How to Stop Owning Your Kid’s Irresponsibility

Dear Kid Whisperer,

The words “I know!” are going to make me lose my mind. My 16-year-old says this every time he’s leaving the house and I remind him to not forget something like his backpack or swimsuit or wallet. I know that he does not “know”: If I didn’t remind him, he would forget. He used to simply state these words, but now he yells them at me. I obviously can’t let him leave without something important that he needs, so what do I do? -Marian, Traverse City, Michigan

Marian,

There is something very seriously wrong with you.

It’s not your fault, but it is something very serious, and this thing that is wrong with you is damaging your kid and it is damaging you.

This thing that is wrong with you is also wrong with most American parents for at least the last couple of decades, and it is this:

You have the pathological, destructive, incorrect, and, in the context of historically normative ways of viewing how to bring up children, bizarre belief that your kid’s problems are actually your problems.

The reality is that your kid’s problems are your kid’s problems. The reality is that you acting like your kid’s problems are actually your problems is stopping your kid from being a responsible person who any of us adults want to be around, teach, or employ. He sounds like a real dingus. I think we, the adults of the world, would appreciate you fixing him before anyone else besides his teachers have to deal with him.

Consistently doing the following when he is walking out of the house will fix this problem. The more important the thing that he forgets, the quicker he will learn to be responsible, and the fewer things he will forget in the long run. Here's how I would start fixing him. If you blink, you may miss it:

Kid is walking down the stairs towards the door to leave to sleep over at his friend’s house. Kid Whisperer notices that his overnight bag is nowhere to be found.

Kid: Bye! See you tomorrow!

Kid Whisperer: Bye! I love you. Be home any time before noon.

Kid: K. Bye!

Kid walks out the door without the bag.

The next morning when Kid arrives home:

Kid Whisperer: How was it? Did you sleep at all?

Kid: Ugh. Yes, but I forgot my stuff. I had to brush my teeth with my finger. I had to wear Tommy’s pajamas, and I didn’t have my games I wanted to bring.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, geez.

Kid: Didn’t you see me leaving without my bag?

Kid Whisperer: Yes.

Kid: What?! Why didn’t you stop me?

Kid Whisperer: I have made that mistake before. You getting frustrated with me about it reminded me that it’s not my job to remind you of life’s responsibilities, so, from now on, I will let life teach you. This is easier for me and more exciting for you. Plus, you get to learn how to live in real life. I will love you no matter how good you are at remembering stuff.

How your kid feels about this could not be more irrelevant. The great thing about life’s lessons is that they teach without judgement. And they require no effort from the parent.