How to Ensure a Pleasant Flight with a Toddler
Dear Kid Whisperer,
I am dreading taking my twenty-five-month-old on a flight to visit my parents. We took her on a plane two months ago and it was awful. She is very wiggly, grabby, and kicky. This is annoying at home, but it’s a disaster on an airplane. It starts with me telling her not to kick the chair, or to not jump out of my lap, or to not grab the hair of the lady next to me, and then it escalates to me screaming at her to not to do these things. I am the parent I always felt so badly for on airplanes. Help! -Kristen, Dayton, Ohio
Kristen,
First things first: taking a toddler on an airplane without training her to be on an airplane is a bad idea. She’s not ready, but I’ll show you how to get her ready. The good news is that the way to train her to be on an airplane is the same way to train her to be a person. I’ll show you how to do this before your flight so that you can avoid Kid On Plane Dread (KOPD).
Second, trying to enforce limits with words with a toddler is like trying to eat with your armpits: it doesn’t work, and if you try to do it in public, it’s really embarrassing.
Think of it this way: When it comes to toddlers, words set limits, and actions enforce them.
You can start training your daughter by stating a limit one time, and then calmly stopping your toddler with physical action from doing the negative behavior. I say my Calm Signal (I’ll use “Oh dear” here) slowly on the exhale in tandem with a calm, firm action. Here’s how I would set limits using words, and how I enforce those limits with action. Remember to practice these things over and over before you get on the plane in a month.
Not Kicking Stuff
Kid Whisperer (while intentionally sitting, Kid on lap, near a chair at home): We are peaceful with our bodies.
Kid kicks the chair in front of her.
Kid Whisperer: (while firmly holding Kid’s feet in place) Oh dear.
Kid cries, but is unable to kick the chair.
Not Jumping Out of Your Lap
Kid Whisperer: (while in the living room of a friend’s house) You will be sitting on my lap right now.
Kid pushes, wiggles, and attempts to no longer be sitting in the lap.
Kid Whisperer: (while firmly holding Kid in place) Oh dear.
Kid cries, but is unable to get out of the lap.
Not Pulling Hair
Kid grabs what is left of Kid Whisperer’s hair and pulls.
Kid Whisperer: (while firmly removing Kid’s hand and holding it gently but tightly towards Kid’s body) Oh dear.
Kid cries, but is unable to pull Kid Whisperer’s hair. Notice that this time, I did not have the opportunity to set the limit. No matter, I had set that limit once before, and that’s enough when we enforce exactly in this prescribed way.
Human adult mammals are larger than their offspring in order to
1) Make childbirth more comfortable.
2) Make it easier to assert dominance and correct antisocial behaviors with action.
For now, you are bigger than your kid. Use this perhaps brief period of time to teach your kid that negative behaviors don’t work and that you are in charge. If you use the Calm Signal in tandem with your Enforcing Action, you eventually won’t have to use your Enforcing Action at all. Just say your Calm Signal and your daughter will stop if you have done this enough. If she doesn’t stop, it means that she’s not fully trained and just add the Enforcing Action back! Either way, your life will improve before, during, and after your next flight.