How to End Angry Door-Slamming
Dear Kid Whisperer,
I’ve had it with my nine-year-old and door-slamming. She gets angry, runs to her room, and slams the door. It’s amazing how loud and jarring it is. We have been guilty of yelling at her, and we have also grounded her and taken away video games– just to name a few of the things that have failed. Yesterday, after an argument with her father, she slammed the door, and then opened and slammed it five more times in a row while yelling at us. I’m at a loss. -Sherry, San Francisco, California
Sherry,
It surely isn’t news to you that there is a lot to work on here. It sounds like you are doing some arguing and punishing, two things you should never do with kids. I’ve outlined alternatives in my blog, podcast, and book, but in this column I’ll state for the good of all that punitive punishments with no logical connection to negative behaviors (taking video games for slamming a door) don’t teach very much. Worse, they engender some understandable resentment. What has almost certainly led up to these punishments are lectures, warnings, and threats, which have undoubtedly led to more door slamming and generally obnoxious behaviors.
I will show you how to calmly set a limit about the door one time, and then how to calmly follow through with action. I’d start at dinner tonight:
Kid Whisperer: The door slamming yesterday really made me sad. Feel free to keep your door as long as you can use it correctly.
Kid: Whatever.
Ten minutes later, Kid slams the door again. Kid Whisperer does nothing and says nothing. The next day when Kid is at school, Kid Whisperer takes the door off the hinges and stores it.
Kid (seeing that the door has disappeared): WHAT IN THE WORLD! HOW DARE YOU! THIS SHALL NOT STAND! I HAVE RIGHTS! I WILL PETITION THE UNITED NATIONS! THEY WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE!
Kid Whisperer: Oh dear. This is unpleasant. You will get your door back as soon as you can show me that you can be pleasant.
Kid: I HATE YOU!!!!
Kid Whisperer: Oh dear. Looks like there’s some room for growth. Every unpleasant outburst like that puts you further away from being able to have a door on your room because those outbursts show me that you are not ready to have a door that is slammable. I’ll love you no matter how long it takes you to become pleasant.
Kid: I WILL SUE YOU! I WILL SUE EVERYONE!
Kid Whisperer: Oh dear. There you go again. I am going to go to my room where it is more pleasant. I’m going to gently close the door behind me.
Kid: THIS SHALL NOT STAND!
But it will stand. You have total control over whether or not Kid gets her door back, while you have no real control over whether she slams her door when she has a door.
I would be doing other Delayed Learning Opportunities as well (she would create a plan for dealing with frustration and write a list of alternative words and actions to use when she is frustrated). I would also use Strategic Noticing to reinforce pleasant behaviors and give her some signals when she was using target behaviors: “I notice you are being pleasant.” Or “I notice you are using kind words.”
By reinforcing positive behaviors and never letting your daughter get what she wants with negative behaviors, you will give your daughter a chance to recreate herself into a person that everyone enjoys being around.
And, by all means, bring that door back when she starts habitually using more positive behaviors!